I am at a shopping store making my last purchases for New Year's Eve. Although the pandemic has ruthlessly changed our lives, some habits and customs simply cannot be eradicated, they adjust and continue to prosper. So does my gift shopping.
While waiting in line to pay (and it is a big one), I hear from the back two voices trying to dominate one another attracting almost everyone's attention.
"Why do you always have to be so stubborn?" the female voice says.
"Am I stubborn because for once I don't want to spend New Year's Eve with Georgia? I know your friend just broke up, but she's going to be a pain in the ass all night crying and yelling why her boyfriend dumped her and I am not in the mood. You can hang out with her the day after for God's sake!", the male voice answers.
A couple-fight I thought. All of us I think have been involved in fallouts over important issues or eventually not so important when looking back at them from a distance.
"Oh forget it! You don't understand besides you never liked her. I am spending New Year's Eve with her then, and you can make your own plans since you're not in the mood!" The woman yells and storms out of the store. The man though stands still in his position holding his stuff and kindly says to the people staring at him (including me) "I am sorry you witnessed that".
By turning around, I hear a checkout assistant saying "Next please" with her eyes kindly directed to me. Without wasting any moment, I step forward, pay for my items and then get out of the store as well. I don't know what happened to the woman since she wasn't outside, but this argument between the unknown couple encouraged my thoughts about human communication to come to the surface.
People communicate selectively and most of the time not in full capacity. Intentionally or not we pay attention to what we say but not always to what we communicate, as the former approach is more focused on ourselves, while the latter on the recipient, or the audience we address.
For instance, in the example described above did the woman pay attention only to what she was saying without thinking about how her suggestion would affect her boyfriend? Did he think he may sound selfish to her? Are they so different that they couldn't understand how the other would be affected by this conversation or was it simply "a game of power" and if it was, who played it smarter from a communication perspective?
I cannot be aware of all the variables in this equation, since both of them are total strangers to me and I don't have the full picture concerning their behaviors. However, what I can do is tell you that both of them didn't reach their goals during this contact. Neither she did convince her boyfriend about bringing her friend to their New Year's Eve gathering nor he did manage to end the conversation by avoiding a scene publicly or persuade his girlfriend to reconsider. Therefore, my impression is that regardless of who was right, they both played thoughtlessly.
In their effort to overpower the other (willingly or not) and prove they're on the right side they lost their focus. If at least one of them spent a few seconds to process what the other person was arguing or just make a pause and reflect upon three simple things:
Is the right time and place to discuss this issue?
If yes, do I have the right reasons to get angry/hostile (or any other emotion the conversation may cause to me) towards the person I am talking to?
If I do that, my interlocutor's response will make things better or worse for me?
Then certainly wiser decisions would have been made. Of course, emotions cannot be controlled easily and in my point of view, that's the magic about them, but where emotions attack, reason defends, and sometimes the other way around.
If you struggle to be a good communicator, then you should get used to these kinds of battles and learn to study the field you are about to enter. The first step to achieving this is active listening. By leaving space to the others you're interacting with to elaborate their thoughts, you also leave space to yourself to think about how you should approach your recipient(s). When you actually try to understand the others' reasoning -even when it contradicts yours- and tangibly show it via your body language, your eye contact, your tone of voice, and obviously your words, then you will notice that they will be more eager to listen to you as well.
The second more important step towards your communication goals is to know when to drag it out and when to get silent. To me, this is the cornerstone of any fruitful discussion since if you stay silent instead of upholding your position out of fear or embarrassment, you will simply lose your chance and someone else may take your place. On the other hand, if you drag a conversation out when you understand that it will reach a dead-end, you will be met with a result resembling the couple in the store. Remember that the end of one battle does not mean the end of the war. Similarly, the end of a conversation doesn't signify the end of your persuasion.
Finally, one last thing you should bear in mind when communicating is taming possible negative emotions such as anger, hostility, jealousy, etc. when they are more of a distraction than a means to achieve your goal either by making your point or genuinely expressing to your recipient(s) the "why" behind your feelings. You see, when you show your anger to an apathetic recipient, the only thing you will succeed in is losing your energy, even though you may have all the right reasons to do so. By contrast, explaining the specific reason why you're jealous of the new colleague of your relationship may help you avoid future conflicts where you will be exploding out of nowhere and your companion won't have a clue. Then again, your skills of active listening and self-control will play their part.
Communication is a dynamic process the result of which depends on multiple factors such as the members ( e.g. their mood, their relationship, their personality), the channels (e.g. oral, written, non-verbal), the main topic/message, and more. Therefore, communicating effectively is related to being flexible and adaptable to the circumstances rather than having a plan set or prepared lines. Sure a plan, a script, an exercise can be helpful, especially on formal occasions, but without strong foundations demanding you to take a step back, acknowledge your means related to your goals, see the other part of the picture and be in your recipient's shoes, then eventually they will underperform.
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